A Natural History of Unlikely Survival
Nine speculative self-portraits. Baltic coast, 2016.
During a several-week therapeutic stay on the Baltic coast in 2016, breathing difficulties brought me into unusually close company with my own lungs. In these nine postcards, my face and lungs meet borrowed animal anatomies, forming a small population of creatures with improbable talents and questionable prospects.
What began as a playful diversion became an exercise in imaginary adaptation: if this body was having difficulties, perhaps another arrangement could be considered. The following field notes document nine entirely invented species. Their classification has been undertaken by The Department of Imaginary Affairs, whose findings remain untroubled by peer review.
01
The Overcommitted Octopus
Pulmoctopus omnitenens
Description:
Recognisable by its human face, prominent lungs and an extravagant distribution of arms, this creature inhabits the shallow waters between curiosity and overcommitment. Each limb pursues a separate interest. The face maintains that everything is under control.
Exceptional ability:
Its pulmonary bellows supply eight simultaneous activities with a single breath. It can collect shells, write correspondence, comfort a jellyfish and begin several new projects without releasing anything it is already holding.
Evolutionary disadvantage:
It cannot let go. When danger approaches, every arm retrieves something essential, and escape is postponed until the specimen has gathered all its belongings. Natural selection has repeatedly advised it to prioritise.
02
The Portable Recluse
Conchopulmo domiciliarius
Description:
This shell-dwelling organism carries its lungs, its human expression and a firm preference for privacy inside a generously fortified residence. Only the face emerges, usually to determine whether emerging was a mistake.
Exceptional ability:
A specialised respiratory system preserves a private pocket of sea air within the shell. Wherever the creature travels, it takes its preferred atmosphere with it. It is particularly gifted at withdrawing from situations without technically leaving the premises.
Evolutionary disadvantage:
Every improvement to its domestic comfort makes the shell heavier. Eventually, the specimen becomes so perfectly accommodated that migration is impossible. Its habitat is wherever it last felt comfortable.
03
The Lateral Negotiator
Cancripulmo diplomaticus
Description:
Equipped with substantial claws, exposed lungs and a remarkably composed human face, this coastal species approaches every situation sideways. Direct confrontation is considered an anatomical misunderstanding.
Exceptional ability:
It can divide a difficult conversation into manageable pieces with its pincers, while its lungs release precisely measured sighs of diplomatic concern. It excels at finding alternative routes around obstacles, disagreements and inconvenient questions.
Evolutionary disadvantage:
Having perfected the indirect approach, it has lost the ability to proceed towards anything it actually wants. Food remains visible straight ahead. Negotiations continue.
04
The Drifting Barometer
Medusopulmo suspirans
Description:
A floating assembly of lungs, human features and trailing filaments, this organism inhabits the boundary between seawater and atmosphere. Its movements suggest purpose, although this has never been confirmed.
Exceptional ability:
Its delicate appendages detect minute changes in weather and emotional climate. The lungs translate these findings into carefully modulated buoyancy, allowing the creature to rise above an unpleasant situation on a single, exquisitely timed sigh.
Evolutionary disadvantage:
It responds to every disturbance. A passing current, a distant storm or a slightly disappointing encounter can send it several kilometres off course. It possesses extraordinary sensitivity and virtually no navigational independence.
05
The Alarmed Jetsetter
Teuthopulmo praecox
Description:
Distinguished by elongated arms and an expression of permanent advance warning, this restless species appears startled by events that have not yet occurred. Its lungs remain fully prepared for immediate departure.
Exceptional ability:
Compressed breath produces a spectacular escape jet. The animal can evacuate a location before danger becomes visible, audible or, in some cases, conceivable. It is exceptionally good at being elsewhere.
Evolutionary disadvantage_
Its early-warning system makes no distinction between a predator and an interesting opportunity. Feeding, courtship and pleasant surprises all trigger departure. The species survives each encounter by ensuring that no encounter develops into anything.
06
The Serpentine Revisionist
Serpentipulmo renovans
Description:
A long, scaled body supports a pair of conspicuous lungs and a face that appears to be reconsidering the arrangement. This species moves through its environment in a succession of elegant qualifications.
Exceptional ability:
With every shed skin, it can discard an obsolete habit, an inherited expectation or a particularly unhelpful opinion. Its lungs provide the sustained breath required for such comprehensive personal revision.
Evolutionary disadvantage:
Renewal becomes compulsive. The creature sheds useful adaptations along with unwanted baggage and repeatedly has to learn how to survive from the beginning. Evolution struggles to make progress when its subject keeps requesting a fresh start.
07
The Indignant Kraken
Pulmoctopus protestans
Description:
This upright relative of the Overcommitted Octopus is identified by its raised arm, emphatic facial expression and formidable respiratory equipment. It is most frequently observed objecting to the conditions of its own observation.
Exceptional ability:
Its lungs amplify a single objection into a pressure wave capable of interrupting an entire coastal ecosystem. Meanwhile, its arms can point out several problems at once. It is particularly effective against complacency and poorly organised shoals.
Evolutionary disadvantage:
The alarm display is permanently active. Predators know exactly where it is, prey have already left, and potential mates are waiting for a pause. The specimen remains convinced that silence would constitute agreement.
08
The Contented Clinger
Pulmoprehensor sedentarius
Description:
Found gripping a horizontal support with admirable commitment, this compact creature combines a human face, generous lungs and a body arranged for staying put. Its preferred habitat is a secure position with an unobstructed supply of air.
Exceptional ability:
It can hold on through almost anything. Coordinated breathing stabilises its grip during storms, upheavals and other people’s attempts to encourage personal growth. It excels at maintaining a position long after everyone else has abandoned it.
Evolutionary disadvantage:
It mistakes attachment for adaptation. When its habitat changes, it simply grips harder. Field researchers have recorded several specimens remaining faithfully attached to structures that were no longer going anywhere useful.
09
The Grounded Aspirant
Ornithopulmo aspirans
Description:
Long birdlike legs, outstretched wings and a substantial pair of human lungs give this specimen an air of imminent departure. Its upward glance suggests that flight is regarded as a matter of attitude.
Exceptional ability:
Its lungs can generate a powerful personal updraft, briefly lifting the body above practical concerns. From this modest elevation, it detects distant possibilities and announces ambitious migration plans.
Evolutionary disadvantage:
The respiratory equipment required for take-off is also its principal excess baggage. Every deeper breath increases its expectations faster than its altitude. The species remains grounded, although its proposals for flight are widely admired.